An Open Letter

Dear Departmental Copy Machine,What ever have I done to offend you? I treat you rather nicely I think. I never ask for anything difficult like collation, double-sided copies, or too many pages in the auto-feeder tray. On the rare occasion that I have reason to partake of your services I only want a single page copied onto another single page. Is it really so much to ask?Perhaps you take evil delight in making me stand on my head and hop on one foot in order to get what I need from you. Perhaps you are a sadistic beast that takes pleasure in making me look like an ass in front of my colleagues.Take today for example. I marched up the three flights of stairs from my lab to your new place of residence (nice digs by the way - the graphics lab rocks), armed with 3 of the 4 pages I needed copied as well a post-it note with the new copy code that Departmental Administrator kindly provided to all of us (which is incidentally, the same code as the one it was changed from 6 months ago). My inability to remember important things like all of the pages I need copied or a simple 4-digit code is not your fault of course. I am not reassigning blame for my personal failings.However, I am assigning some blame for your obstinate insistence that I go through far too much hassle to acquire something as simple as a facsimile document from an office appliance that is designed and employed for precisely that purpose. Seriously, do your job!I dutifully entered the new four digit code and you snarked at me that it was incorrect and sarcastically suggested that I should contact Departmental Administrator for the correct code. Now, you and I both know that DA is very busy putting together grants right now so I'm not going to bother her. And besides, she just gave me this new code last week. It should work. But it clearly does not, so I tried entering the previous code. It also does not log me in.So I called the lab to see if I was somehow left out of the loop on any newer than new super-secret copy codes. Thankfully, I got Helpful Student on the line, who suggested just what I had already done. I told her that you liked neither code, and she said she was on her way up to help. I didn't really see the point since we both knew only the same two codes, both of which you rejected...with a rather pompous air I might add.While she was trekking up three flights of stairs, I tried again. And again. And finally, magically, you dear copy machine, logged me in! The seventh time is the charm?So Helpful Student arrived to find me successfully logged in and making copies...only the copies you gave me initially were blank. I didn't give you blank pages as templates, nor did I load them upside down. So Helpful Student offered to push the "copy" button and lo and behold - copies! As in reproductions of the original documents! Huzzah! Was that really so hard?Why do you like her so much better than me? Does she give you new toner? Tickle your paper rollers in just the way that you like? I'm pretty sure that DA does that. What gives?Anyway, thanks for the copies (finally), but you should know this: I think you suck. And I hope you choke on a giant paper jam. And you can tell your friend the automatic stapler that I've got a bone to pick with him too. Watch yourselves office appliances. I'm not joking around here. If this kind of crap continues I'll have to go all Office Space on your asses.Sincerely,AA

Labels: Letter