Reality Check

I am not taking very good care of myself. I know better. It has been over two weeks since I last had a day off. I have been doing the very same thing every day in the lab since then. It is working; I'm not repeating things because the experiment is failing. It's just a very very time-consuming protocol encompassing lots and lots of samples. I managed to compile all of these data into a MegaFigure yesterday. I presented it to GrAdvisor in our pow-wow about the ManuBeast, and as I expected, it softened him to hear my concerns about the BullshitExperiment (which is a waste of my time and should not go into the ManuBeast). Well, at least not on the first submission. He wants to change tacks on the BullshitExperiment, which I will continue working on while the ManuBeast is out for review. If we get anything out of the BullshitExperiment (unlikely in my opinion) we can include it in the resubmission. He is still not hearing my concerns about the fact that it will be difficult to conclude anything from the expected negative result, but I'm happy to take this one off the table until we submit at least. This is not a victory, but an acceptable compromise. It thought that the MegaFigure was going to be a bit of a tough sell. It is not fully annotated yet (which makes it hard to impress GrAdvisor), but it is giving me a very interesting big picture of my Loogly-fluglies. Things we didn't know before. Things that are changing our model. I like this. He seems to like this. I like the momentum I've had going here for a while. I feel like I've gotten more done in the last month or so than I have in the last 3 months combined.But I am exhausted. I have been for some time. I haven't slept well since July. I wake up at strange hours and when I do sleep I have nightmares. I am emotional eater (not a good thing when you're stressed) and I feel like I have neither the time nor the energy to get the exercise I should to counteract both the over-eating and the anxiety. My nerves are raw, my hands shake, I feel like I *need* a drink just to settle myself at the end of the day. There is too much hair stuck in my hairbrush when I comb it out in the morning. My shoulders are so tight that it's difficult to pull my hoodie off over my head. I have arguments with BH over stupid things not because we disagree or because I am being irritable, but because I am utterly failing to communicate well - I can't get my brain to process the things that I mean into words that express them. This morning I had a little meltdown. I laid down and cried because I was just....so....tired....and I still have more work to do.This is not good - not in the long or the short term. Yesterday I stayed home, did a little work on the MegaFigure, and some laundry, and basically took a mental health day. That helped some but it hasn't fixed it. I need to walk away from the lab and the manuscript for a few days and take care of my body and my brain instead of sacrificing these things for the Almighty Publication.I can't do it just yet. We've got some major analyses planned for tomorrow that's been in the works for three weeks now. It will run for several days. So I'm planning on getting that going and then coming in to just make sure that the automation is running on Saturday.Other than that, no science this weekend. That's my promise to myself. Instead I would like to go to the Farmer's Market. I would like to go to the pub and watch some rugby and drink some beer with friends. I would like to go see the not-so-new-anymore Harry Potter film. I would like to go to the museum before this exhibit I've been wanting to see moves on. I would like to take DangerDog out for a much-needed run. I would like to sleep soundly, at whatever time of day pleases me. I may not do all of that but I am clearing my schedule this weekend so I can do any of those things. We'll see how that goes. After checking automation on Saturday morning I will not think about science again until Monday.

Labels: Reality Check