It goes to eleven

...but my anxietiometer is now pegged out at 12.Here's why:Advisory committee told me at my last meeting that I can have permission to write once the ManuBeast is submitted.GrAdvisor and I are currently passing drafts of it back and forth.I am also saddled with a whole lot of time-eating bullshit that is making it difficult to give the ManuBeast my undivided attention.We plan on submitting it soon. Like now, soon, but given all the hiccups in the past year or so with this thing I am loathe to be counting unhatched chickens at the moment.GrAdvisor wants me to schedule my ask-for-permission meeting now so we don't run into scheduling conflicts.What if the ManuBeast isn't submitted by then?I am supposed to schedule my defense ASAP after the next meeting so we can avoid scheduling conflicts.What if they give me the "we want to see this accepted before you defend" ultimatum?What if it's still in review at that time?*Twitch*Before everyone chimes in with the "your fears are irrational" chorus (yeah, they might be, but maybe not either) let me remind you that the decision to have me defend by the end of this year was precipitated by the dwindling funding situation in our lab. GrAdvisor doesn't want to pay me any more. Fine. I'd like to move on now too. But the fact that this event was impetus to say "OK, AA, you can be done now" is not exactly inspiring confidence in the idea that they are really ready to say, "Yeah, you've earned it." Instead it feels as if the primary reason for shoving me out the door now is to do GrAdvisor's bottom line a favor. *I* know I've earned it. But I've seen enough screwball decision-making around here in the last 5 years to have my trust in this system eroded more than a bit. Yes, I am terrified that this still might not work out as well as everyone seems to think it will in the end. There. I said it.

Labels: It Goes