You'd think I would have a grip on this by now...
0 comment Tuesday, June 3, 2014 |
I met with my FavoriteCommitteeMember (FCM) recently to discuss my post-doc options. I prefer to meet with FCM to discuss this because FCM is far more forthcoming with useful advice and observations than GrAdvisor in general, and in particular on this issue. FCM knows one of my PotentialPostdocPIs (P3) quite well, and I know that FCM could give me a more holistic answer to my question because of this.I am really quite pleased that FCM was able to lay to rest some of my (admittedly very minor) concerns about this particular P3. I am feeling better and better about the possibility of joining this lab.But a funny thing also happened during this meeting. FCM was reiterating all the reasons that ze thought I should join this lab. I'd heard most of them before since FCM recommended that I apply here in the first place. They are all true and demonstrate FCM's superior powers of observation wrt my career goals, as well as FCM's genuine interest in promoting *my* best interests. This is why FCM is my Favorite. But there is some self-sabotaging part of me that twists all of these observations into a destructive commentary on all of my (real or imagined) faults.FCM says that this lab would be "good for me" because the P3 is still directly involved in the research, because my skill set would give me a very highly valued niche in this lab, because the P3 is an excellent communicator and treats lab people like people and team members, because the P3 has offered me a leadership role right off the bat, because the lab is small and I won't have any trouble getting the P3's attention when I need it...the list goes on. These things are all very complementary (and complimentary) to myself and/or the P3, and in my interactions with this person definitely hold true. All good things.So why is it that when FCM says, "this would be really good for you because...", what I hear is, "you're not good enough to be able to hack it somewhere else"? This is patently ridiculous as this lab FCM is recommending is an excellent lab.When FCM points out all of these things that will contribute to a really healthy working environment for me, why do I hear, "I know that you need all these things to be successful because it's so obvious that *you suck* in the situation that you are in now, without all these bastions of support"?Why do I hear, "you really need someone who will be available/attentive/interested because..."? Because what? Because I need someone to hold my hand? Because I'm not independent yet? Um, no, I'm not. That's the whole point of doing a post-doc - to gain some more independence, and demonstrate this to future hiring committees. And when I look around I see that because of my rather distant relationship with GrAdvisor I have become a whole helluva lot more independent than most grad students I know. It is not unreasonable to expect that I will develop this independence much further as a post-doc and it makes sense to find an environment and a mentor that will foster this rather than throw up obstacles. That's all that FCM is saying. FCM knows me and knows P3 and sees that this might be a really good match for both of us.So STFU Impostor Syndrome. I really don't need this shit right now.