Raise the Drawbridge!!
0 comment Wednesday, June 4, 2014 |
Or, How To Conduct A Medieval Siege, 21st Century Style. Figure 1: Enemy occupation of the AA residence, taken in the moat-building stage.Ingratiate oneself to the residents of the citadel that one wishes to eventually occupy. This will allow you easy access to their defenses so that you might better use them to your own advantage. In this era this is best accomplished by feigning improvements to the residents' current living situation. We recommend infrastructure improvements such as road resurfacing or water main repair (we'll come to this later).Foster a sense of trust in the serfdom by providing formal and official looking documents asserting your good intentions and promising minimal inconvenience. It is critically important to buy yourself as much goodwill as possible at this point, as this will prolong the period during which the occupants of your target remain confused about your actual intentions. Stating an end date for the project on formal letterhead usually does the trick.Let the games begin! Remember, a siege is a test of patience and a battle of wills. It is important to hit your target not just physically, but emotionally as well. Take every opportunity, no matter how small, to irritate or confuse the inhabitants - the sooner they crack, the sooner you win! Good first round strategies include re-routing street traffic frequently and irregularly so that it is difficult for the inhabitants to come and go from their citadel. A house on a street corner is best for optimal effect. Keeping them guessing also subtly reinforces a sense of futility in their predicament.Give the illusion that you're still on their side. Again, this is psychological warfare; sowing confusion is key. Damage their property then claim ignorance, then innocence, then apologize and make noises that you might replace or even improve it...when you're "done". Ha!Time to up the ante - start cutting off resources. Shutting off water service or electricity without warning is always a winner. But don't get greedy just yet. Make sure that these disruptions are merely annoyances at first - the goal is to wear down and distract your target without triggering any defensive maneuvers while you position yourself - don't deny services for too long or they will start to suspect. Once you have utilized the above tactics to move your troops and resources into attack position with minimal resistance from the natives, you may commence a full-scale siege.Build a moat! The deeper the better. Opening a nearby fire hydrant will increase impassibility. Again, corner houses are best, bonus points if other access points are geographically restricted - close neighbors and no alleyways make your isolation tactics even easier to employ. This is where it comes in handy to have operated under the guise of subterranean infrastructure improvement. They didn't suspect a thing when you moved in all that digging machinery, did they? Increase the psychological assault. Sleep deprivation techniques are highly effective. Some have employed loud noise such as blaring rock music with great success. We recommend jackhammers and shaking the foundations of the citadel at obscene hours of the morning, or both at once. Even better if you can manage to have the water cut off during the residents' early morning rituals like showering or making coffee - this will cause no small amount of consternation and despair (you'll know you achieved the desired result when shrieks coming from the second story bathroom can be heard over the jackhammers).Further restrict transportation to and from the citadel...and if you can, add insult to injury. Build a "bridge" across your moat so that they will sink their cars into the mire when they try to cross it. If they still manage to get in and out, make it such that they can only park on one specific section of the street, then re-route traffic and have their cars ticketed and towed. Now that you have completely cut off access to the citadel it is impossible for the residents to bring in resources or reinforcements - from this point forward it's just a waiting game.Be patient. Stay strong. As you approach, then surpass your aforementioned "end date" with no actual end in sight, residents will start to lose hope. By continuing to employ these tactics over a prolonged period of time you will completely wear down the natives' will to resist. When they finally surrender victory is yours!

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